Naruto: The way it's likely to end
by thelazyreader
Summary: Naruto tries and tries to become a strong ninja but never quite succeeds. Sasuke on the other hand... well, what would happen if they fought now, given how things have been going so far? The main character vs. the mangaka's favourite? Parody alert.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Only Sasuke's no. 1 fan does. His name starts with K if you want to know more. What a great pity.

* * *

It's yet another normal day in the giant crater called Konoha. A blond-haired boy in a ridiculous orange suit reclines comfortably on a bed of rubble.

Naruto: I wonder what Sasuke is doing right now...

Sakura: I wonder if Sasuke-kun remembers me...

Shikamaru: How troublesome. Can't you two think about anything other than Sasuke? And at a time like this? God knows there are more important things to think about. Konoha is destroyed! Pain is dead! Kakashi is probably dead! Danzo's trying to pull some shit so that he can be Hokage. Wait, isn't he like 80 years old? What's the point?

Sakura: There's no point. Our God just happens to be a really crappy writer. His world is riddled with plot holes, inconsistency is his middle name and he's always thinking of only one character.

Naruto: Sasuke...

Sakura: See? Being the main characters he always has us fixated on him as well. {spaces out} Oh, Sasuke-kun...

Shikamaru: How troublesome. {goes off to stand uselessly with the rest of the Konoha ninjas, all of which did nothing in the fight against Pain}

Suddenly, an ominous cloud of foreboding casts its shadow across the crater. Flames rise from the cracks in the ground and a dramatic wind blows, announcing the arrival of none other than...

UCHIHA SASUKE!

Sasuke: We have arrived.

Suigetsu: Yes, I know. Thanks for stating the obvious.

One Tsukuyomi later, a puddle of water stands in Suigetsu's place.

Suigetsu-puddle: {gurgle} Those eyes are HAXED. It's unfair. {gurgle}

Karin: Sasuke-sama is so cool!

Juugo: I don't know about that, but he's the only thing that reminds me of Kimmimaro. Even though he looks and acts nothing like Kimmimaro. I will support him.

The remaining citizens of Konoha look up in surprise and (from the young girls) joy at the return of their prized Uchiha.

Naruto: Sasuke! You're back! {silly smile}

Sakura: I knew you'd come back to us, Sasuke-kun! Let's get married! {silly smile}

Sasuke: Yes, I'm back... to destroy Konoha.

Cue shocked silence.

Suigetsu: {Re-forming himself from the puddle} Sorry to burst your bubble, but isn't that already done? The village looks pretty destroyed to me. {stares at crater}

Sasuke: My vengeance... {stares at Suigetsu again}

Suigetsu: Er...wait! I can see plenty of living people. Looks like team Hawk can fulfil their new goal after all! {mutters} Even though we've got no good reason to be helping you, but this is what God wants for his favourite creation, I guess...

Naruto: Sasuke, come back!

Sasuke: Naruto... what happened here?

Naruto: Pain came and destroyed Konoha. Then I beat him.

Sasuke: So the leader of Akatsuki failed to capture the Kyuubi. I'm not surprised. {Smirks conceitedly} He may have been a genius with a bloodline limit, but no genius or bloodline limit can compare to an Uchiha! The greatest Eye Technique my ass! {activates Mangekyou Sharingan for dramatic effect} How'd you beat him, by the way? Used the power of the Fox? Or have you learnt any new jutsus since we met the last time?

Naruto: {scratches head} Well, I did use the Fox but my dead dad somehow came back to life and sealed it. And I did learn one new jutsu but thanks to a drawback I can't use it more than twice, that two only with prep time. Funny how I never seem to learn anything new without a limitation that makes it mostly useless...

Sasuke: That should be obvious by now. Even if you are the title character of this series, you are _not_ an Uchiha. You are _not_ a genius. You do _not _have a bloodline limit. And what counts the most: you are _not_ favoured by God.

Naruto: What? {scratches head again}

Sasuke: Think about it, you loser.

Why is it that you learnt nothing new over the timeskip while I got a dozen new jutsus and Sakura became a medical ninja with super-strength?

Why is it that I've completely mastered my Sharingan while you remain the _only_ jinchuuriki in the world who can't control his Tailed Beast?

Why is that I keep gaining new jutsus and abilities with hardly any training while you go through umpteen training arcs only to have whatever new techniques you learn eliminated by some ridiculous last-minute drawback that ensures you'll only ever use it in one fight? Thus flushing all your hard work down the toilet?

Why is it that if we fought right now, the only jutsus you could possibly use against me are the ones you learnt three years ago before the timeskip? Kagebunshin and Rasengan, I believe.

Naruto: Not true! I've learnt new jutsus! Sage Mode-

Sasuke: Only for a few minutes. And you need to ready Shadow Clones for it beforehand since you can't stand still in a fight.

Naruto: Rasenshuriken-

Sasuke: Can't use it unless you're in Sage Mode. Otherwise you won't be able to throw it and you'll damage your arm.

Naruto: Well, when all fails I still have the Kyuubi I almost beat you with last time...

Sasuke: Kishimoto made sure to deal with that early on. Now you're not supposed to use that power any more. Even if that's what Yondaime wanted when he sealed it, it's not what our God wants.

Naruto: Well, I still have the Oodama Rasengan and Wind Release: Rasengan! And I can use them whenever I want! No drawbacks there.

Sasuke: Both of which are perfectly identical to the regular Rasengan, right down to the effects. Have you wondered what was the point in learning them? Kishimoto just gave you those to project the illusion that your training arcs weren't completely useless. That's also why they haven't been seen again since.

Naruto: But I've grown stronger! I've surpassed the Yondaime! Just ask everybody!

Sakura: Naruto's so strong...

Kakashi: Naruto's surpassed the old generation.

Inoichi: Naruto's on a completely different level.

Tsunade: Naruto's going to be the next Hokage.

Sasuke vapourises them with Amaterasu.

Sasuke: Empty words. Nothing but useless hype from the author to justify your not learning any new jutsus. Naruto, you are _weak_. Just as weak as the last time we met. Plus you still look like a moron with that orange jumpsuit.

Naruto: {cries miserably}

Sakura: Sasuke, you're killing so many people, you hurt Naruto... but you're Sasuke so I can't be angry at you for that. I will stop you without killing you! Or hurting that gorgeous face of yours! {Runs at him blindly}

Sasuke kills Sakura with a new Lightning jutsu he made up on the spot.

Sasuke: So annoying...

Naruto: NOOO! Sakura-chan! But it's Sasuke who did it so I can't blame him! {cries harder}

Sasuke: Don't blame yourself, loser. You cant help being so weak and useless when your creator is none other than my new FATHER!

Naruto: {gasps} What?

Sasuke: Isn't it obvious? Masashi Kishimoto's _always _made it clear I'm his _favourite_ character. And after the timeskip he came to love me so much that he adopted me as his own son and made sure I was _always _better than everyone else in this manga. A new jutsu for each appearance, a new costume after every arc, never any drawbacks, always cool and smug... He even made sure I'd always look good compared to you by putting mental blocks on your already retarded mind and making sure you'd never be able to use any jutsus other than Kagebunshin and Rasengan unless the plot demanded it. Ah, he sure is a great dad...

Naruto: So that's why I've been having so much trouble learning new jutsus in Part 2...

Sasuke: Yeesss. From Part 2 onwards the Sasuke you mere mortals knew was gone forever. He was no longer a humble, beatable rival of Naruto. He became the Child of Prophecy who will save the world-

Naruto: Wait, I though_ I_ was the Child of Prophecy. Or that legchair freak with the Rinnegan eyes...

Sasuke: Well, that's what Kishimoto planned at the start but he changed his mind at the end. Can't have me upstaged by a weakling like you. Or any other character with fancy eyes. As I was saying, I became the Child of Prophecy, the avenging saviour, JESUKE, son of Kishimoto! For Kishimoto, the God of the Narutoverse, loved ninjas so much that he sent his only begotten son to save them. Now, I shall destroy you all! _Then_ I shall save(and rule) the ninja world!

Sai: See, Naruto? I was right. Sasuke's just a selfish traitor who only became so superhumanly strong because the author developed a crush on hi-

Naruto kills him before he finishes. With Rasengan of course. What else does he have?

Sai: Shame. Killed by the two-jutsu wonder. {dies}

Naruto: I can't hear other people say bad things about Sasuke. Even if they're true. He's Sasuke after all: everybody's favourite character(_especially_ the author's)! I will stop you without killing you, Sasuke! You're my friend! {creates another shadow clone; after all Kishimoto won't even let him progress enough to create a one-handed Rasengan} Here's my only usable combat jutsu! RA-SEN-

Jesuke fries Naruto with a dozen different Fire and Lightning jutsus, enslaves the released Kyuubi with his newly acquired Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan(Yup, Kishimoto finally gave his adopted son Itachi's eyes as a birthday present), tortures Danzo and the Elders to death, and destroys the rest of Konoha with a few more S-rank jutsus that he learnt on the way there. He then proceeds to kill Madara so that he can really be the last Uchiha, then builds up a harem and rules the ninja world with his repopulated clan. He shakes hands with the Godlike entity from the heavens that birthed him. THE END.

Kishimoto: {Withdraws his hand and cradles it fondly} Ah, yeeeesss, my son... my favourite.... my beloved character...

Kishimoto's editor: Hey, Kishi, what's your next manga gonna be about? It had better have more Sasuke! He's popular with fangirls and he always comes first in popularity polls after all.

Kishomoto: Not to worry. I was just thinking about that. How about 'The Uchiha Chronicles'? It's about how the Son of God Jesuke and his descendants rule the ninja world with peace and justice and _curbstomp _whomsoever stands in their way! I wanted to rename Naruto to this after Part 1 but you wouldn't let me because of the brand name.

Kishimoto's editor: Hey, that's a great idea! More Sasuke = More fangirls = More readership!

Kishimoto: And more Sasuke! My son...

* * *

Author's note: I'm not a Sasuke hater. I'm really not. I do, however, rather hate the way Kishimoto has been developing Sasuke and Naruto as ninjas throughout Part 2.

Sasuke was originally conceived as a rival to Naruto, and to that end he was in many ways his opposite. A genius who picked up ninja skills quickly, calm and collected, and of course, 'cool'. But Naruto worked hard to become stronger and over the course of Part 1 he gradually made rapid progress despite being an underdog. By the time they fought he had gone from dead last to Sasuke's equal and nobody regarded him as weak any more.

It should have stayed that way. But sadly Kishimoto's love for his favourite Uchiha and his desire to keep him standing high above his peers led him to intervene via **plot induced stupidity** by

1)preventing Naruto from learning anything significant in the 2.5 year timeskip(Oodama Rasengan!? A basic genjutsu counter? Are you freakin' kidding me?), thereby making Jiraiya look like the worst teacher in the world.

2)completely blocking Naruto from making any permanent progress as a ninja throughout Part 2. Whenever he learns anything new, it comes with _serious_ last-minute drawbacks that are never removed(or if removed, replaced by a new drawback) and ensure that he can only use those new techniques in very special circumstances. He's forbidden from using the Kyuubi despite it being his main power and character trait, he's learnt only _one_ wind element jutsu even after 20 years worth of special training; and even that can only be used in Sage mode, the Sage mode which he can't hold for more than a few minutes. If that weren't enough, he hasn't even mastered the jutsus he knew from Part 1: he was using Shadow Clones for three years without even knowing their real use and he still needs a Shadow Clone to do even a basic Rasengan!

Kishimoto is hardly a complex writer, and it's easy to see his thought process behind this. If Naruto were not allowed to progress beyond Part 1 levels and Sasuke is, then Sasuke would be far ahead of him and he'll be an underdog again. Sadly, Kishi has a habit of losing himself when he's powering up his adopted son.

In stark contrast to Naruto, Sasuke's been turned into a Godlike character, armed with a huge arsenal of jutsus nearly all of which have no limitations. He mastered his Sharingan, learned to use the Curse Seal without corroding his body, absorbed Orochimaru and all his snake techniques and gained near-total control over them(I know, they've been removed now), developed several new Shuriken, Fire and Lightning jutsus and gained the Mangekyou Sharingan! It's a testament to how overpowered Kishimoto made him that even after losing about half his jutsus(the Curse Seal/Orochimaru removal) he's still far ahead of Naruto. Now it's only a matter of time before he gets Itachi's eyes so that he can spam those S-rank eye techniques endlessly.

He also gets the most fight scenes of any character(From Orochimaru to Deidara to Itachi to Killer Bee without a pause while Naruto wandered around aimlessly looking for him) and also the best fights in Part 2. Who actually enjoyed Naruto's 'charge blindly with Rasengan/Rasenshuriken while Kakashi babysits me from the back' battles against fake Itachi, Deidara and Kakuzu? And as great as Naruto vs. Pain was, would anyone rate it over Sasuke vs. Itachi(I know, this is debateable)?

My final peeve: Sasuke gets a wardrobe change every 30 chapters or so while Naruto's still stuck wearing the same horrible orange suit he's had since chapter 1. Well, OK, the design changed in Part 2, but it's still a friggin' ORANGE JUMPSUIT!

This massive disparity has delighted countless Sasuke fanboys/girls(he's the most popular character after all) and given Naruto haters endless fuel for their 'Naruto sucks' tirades, but for many people like me, it has only succeeded in making us _sick_ of the manga. What makes me even more sick is the huge online population of Kishimoto apologists and closet Uchihatards who try their level best to justify Naruto's lack of development and accuse anyone who points out the facts of trolling or whining.

This fic was basically an outlet for venting my frustration on the matter. Thank you.


End file.
